Serious

I feel — numb. Distant. Detached. Separate. Futile. Tepid. Coward. Been on a media breakdown ^ELZR for too many days now — Scrubs ^WP, Nausicaa ^WP, The Economist, The New York Times, porn, (Ben Shneiderman’s) interface design articles, Wired, (so many) books. Unprecedented amounts of physical exercise sprinkled throughout (bizarre, I know). Much been thought, outcomes uncertain (to put it hopefully).

Only 30 pages into Finite and Infinite Games ^AM I think it’s the best book I’ve read. “Seriousness,” it says, “is a dread of the unpredictable outcome of open possibility. To be serious is to press for a specified conclusion. To be playful is to allow for possibility whatever the cost to oneself.” Been far too serious in my life lately. Too scared.

Stupid death won’t go away. Seems my (maternal) grandfather has lung cancer — most likely metastatic. Brutal prognosis. He’s been staying here at home and I’ve been escaping it all — so far away. So serious.

And yet I’m hopeful now. I can never force myself to post something until I’m hopeful. Until I’ve a plan. Until I’m back. (Too scary otherwise.)

Gonna play.